Firstly, I know I’ve gone blog writing crazy – I think it’s partly a rush to get the story so far down and is also helped along by my current hour commute and broken ipod…I don’t expect the frenzy to last. Secondly, my weird spell check tried to correct my last post and substitute chlamydia for calamitous – this pleased me! Anyway, back to the rambling…
Whether we should use an anonymous donor (through a formal or informal means) or whether we should choose someone who played some sort of role in our child’s life was a much harder decision than the easily ruled out adoption/brother/one night stand and our thinking on this has veered back and forth over years.
The main dilemma we felt was whether we could justify (to both ourselves and one day our child) cutting half their genetic heritage, and someone who in theory could play a positive role in their lives because we felt the overriding desire to have a two parent family. L and I have at times felt differently about this and when discussions began in earnest 4/5 years ago she felt much more positively about the idea of a known involved donor than I did.
If we’d had the ‘perfect’ friend (though I’ve still no idea what perfect would be in this context) perhaps we would have reached a different conclusion but running through the men we knew they were all (for different reasons) a no. A couple of years ago one of our best friends spontaneously proposed the idea and I felt absolutely awful saying that we didn’t think it was a good idea, but it would definitely have been dreadful – he doesn’t want to be a donor he wants to be a parent, and I don’t want him to parent me and L’s child.
So, an existing friend of ours not being an option and at this stage (3 years ago-ish) L was feeling pretty strongly that she at least wanted to meet the guy and have a conversation with him. We were always positive we didn’t want a 3 parent family, we weren’t necessarily completely opposed to the idea of some contact whether this be more regular or the idea that when our kid was 13 or 14 they’d be able to meet for a coffee appealed to us both.
I was far more hesitant to entertain the idea of something resembling a semi co-parenting relationship than L was, it’s hard to think back to that mindset to clearly judge why we both felt the way we did as we’ve both moved a fair bit from our original positions. It could be that L believed more than I did in some “donor X” who would want a relationship with a sort-of-child and pop round to see them consistently every month, be a wonderful positive force in their life but have no interest in pursuing the relationship further and I’m just more of a pessimist and am always far more focused on potential problems.
Anyway, it was decided we should explore this and be open to the idea and we then entered the very odd world of websites dedicated to sperm donation and co-parenting which is definitely enough for it’s own post later this week…!