Meeting known donors…

So…we did actually narrow down the search and arrange to meet potential donors twice.

One guy was really nice, and will undoubtedly make a great father (and hopefully already has).  We just didn’t quite click, we clicked in a if I’d been introduced to him at some work thing, I’d think he was a nice guy, but we didn’t click in a “I can imagine you being in my life forever” kind of way…I’m not sure I’ve ever met anyone for an hour and necessarily felt that, but I wanted a bit more chemistry (or something undefinable) and it wasn’t there.

The second couple were OK, but not really our sort of people (and this was clearly very mutual) – they were just far more small c conservative, and (although I didn’t ask) seemed like they’d probably vote tory (for Americans that’s republican). I can’t imagine a context in which I’d let tory sperm anywhere near my uterus.  I’m sorry if that’s vaguely offensive to anyone (well I’m not really sorry) but our politics are important to us…and that’s a line we wouldn’t cross!

To be far to nice guy number one, and honest with ourselves…I think it would never have worked.  Ultimately these guys wanted to be parents and so did we, in an exclusive “back away from our child” kind of way.  Neither of us could get our head around the biological father of our child being someone we hadn’t even seen a photo of, and we were trying to convince ourselves that we were OK with some sort of shared parenting when we definitely weren’t.  I think I always either felt this more strongly than L, or just realised it sooner.

I think the problem for us was that the profiles that appealed to us most were gay men who were on those websites for the same reasons as us – they wanted kids – why they appealed to us was because they were far more “normal” (not a word I love but unsure how else to put it) and easy to relate to.  It felt like a slightly dishonest negotiation though – we needed sperm (and weren’t yet willing to let go of the notion that it was ‘fairest’ for our child to have some contact with their biological father) so were willing to consider a relationship with the child in return, they because it’s far far more difficult for gay men to have biological children were being forced to negotiate away residency and the level of contact they wanted in return for some womb space.  There was also the sense (though perhaps this was entirely in my head – I have an awful tendency to over analise) that for now we were in the position of “strength” as wombs were harder to come by than sperm is, but that could all change when the baby was born and with the current system in the UK there’s no way to have legal certainty before a child is born over levels of contact or residency.  In that way not only did the prospect make me feel really insecure about our family (as in me, L and the as yet imaginary child) but it also made me feel a bit like we were taking advantage…

I realise that last paragraph (or probably the whole post!) may not paint me in a particularly favourable light, but that’s honestly how I felt.  Oddly, I felt all that along with some sort of weird guilt that I was depriving these guys of the chance to have a child when their options were so much more limited than ours. Phew.

Although we halfheartedly emailed a couple more people after that, and still checked the sites on a semi-regular basis, I think it made us both realise that a co-parenting/known donor scenario just wasn’t for us.  Who knows, we might have met someone and created a fantastic family, but I’m far more inclined to believe it wouldn’t have been great for either party…

As I said in the comments on my last post, we do know (vaguely – not nearly well enough to talk that authoritatively about the details) a lesbian couple who ‘used’ a straight guy from one of those websites who did the job over about a year and has now vanished back to his life, and they have a wonderful 3 year old son.   I’m certainly not saying it’s not something that doesn’t work out for people all the time, and I hope it doesn’t seem like I’m being judgemental towards people who have chosen this route.  Whatever works for you. For us, this wouldn’t work!

Internet donor dating

So, the exploration of the internet sperm dating began. We found 3 different websites that looked like they had enough members to make it even slightly worth the membership fees and signed up.

I’m sure there are some lovely men who with purely altruistic reasons wish to give their sperm to childless couples, and for perfectly logical reasons have chosen to do so via an unregulated website rather than a sperm bank. We couldn’t find these men.

I’m not sure if the fact that we weren’t entirely sure what were looking for and therefore didn’t have completely fixed criteria meant we were more or less likely to find someone.  We wrote ourselves a fairly vague profile specifying that we were open to contact but ‘saw ourselves as the primary parents’ (or some similar line) and started trawling the profiles. 

So what was our criteria? Around our age, similar outlook on life, similar politics, would get on over a cup of coffee, reasonably intelligent, not hideous looking and healthy. With the exception of the interest in familial health probably more or less who we would have been looking for if we were internet dating (and were one straight woman rather than two lesbians!). 

It was immediately apparent that there was a split between the gay male equivalent to ourselves who wished to have a child the straight men who had rather more varied and sometimes dubious motives.  Our seemingly reasonable criteria (to me anyway, and I’ll be the first to admit I’m not always entirely reasonable) immediately ruled out more or less all of the straight men. The few men who passed the alright looking, healthy and reasonably intelligent test would have failed the ‘cup of coffee test’ on the basis that men who use websites because they think they’ll get to have sex with some lesbians and men who think they’re so fantastic the world should be full of their offspring and boast of ‘super sperm’ wouldn’t be my drinking companions of choice.

My favorite of these profiles, was simply his age and heigh with the descirption “I am not a fatty”.  Now the bar was pretty low, but really? Really?  You think someone is going to log on with the hopes and dreams of starting a family with the though “I’ll pretty much take anyone, I just hope he’s not a fatty”.  At least profiles like his provided some light relief in what was overall a pretty depressing process.

We did however filter, filter and filter some more, email, filter and then arrange to meet two prospective known donors…

Ruled out…

Hmm, these bits are harder to write than I thought, in fact now I’m trying to sit down and work out a chronology of how we decided what when it all seems to merge into years of an endless conversations…

Well, one of the first things we ruled out from the off was adoption.  I hope that doesn’t come across as being somehow anti-adoption but for me it was never really an option I have seriously considered, whenever I imagined me and L having a family it’s always very clearly something that begins with one of us giving birth… it always struck me a vaguely insulting somehow that because I happen to be a lesbian I’ll want to or deserve to give birth less than anyone else (although I judge myself fairly harshly for thinking this, and perhaps haven’t entirely worked through why I feel this).  I know there are loads of kids who need a good home, and I see that the world is completely overpopulated, but I have never really understood why I should let go of my dream of having a biological child because of my sexuality whereas when any of my straight friends announce their intention to begin trying for a family I’ve never heard anyone ask them if that means they’ll be adopting.  Is my decision to try to get pregnant rather than adopt selfish? Probably, but no more than anyone elses that I can fathom.  Because of this we never got to the stage of working through the enormous expense, intrusion, or necessity to pretend to be absolutely perfect in every conceivable way that as far as I can work out the adoption route involves.  So that was that, adoption out.

The other option that was immediately out (although only my lovely but ever so slightly strange mother seemed to think, and continues to think it is a option) was the using one of my brothers’ sperm (I have two brothers, my mother was never fixated on it being just one sperm) for L to conceive and her brother’s sperm for me to conceive.  May possibly work for some people but not for us. No way. Yuck. And Yuck.  L’s brother isn’t the sort of person with whom we’d ever share a joke (or much else, sperm particularly) so he doesn’t know about my mother’s plans for a child-nephew, but my brothers are more than aware and find the whole idea equally hilarious, misguided and a tad nausea inducing.  So that was never even slightly in, my child-nephew and nieces out.

The last option that has been raised that never made it onto the drawing board was the meet some guy and take him home for an awkward one night stand.  I’m actually surprised at the number of people who have suggested this to us.  Firstly, I could never treat a guy like this, and the thought of anyone doing it to any of the men in my life I love makes me cross (although mostly cross in theory, I don’t really believe in the army of sperm stealing lesbians).   Secondly, how we’ll explain our choices to our child has always been something we’ve considered really important and “your biological father is some guy we seduced in a bar and had bad sex with in order to conceive you” is never something I can see myself being proud to report.  Thirdly, I really don’t want chlamydia, not even a little bit.  I can’t pretend this hasn’t ever crossed my mind again as the sheer simplicity of it in contrast to the hugely complicated, expensive and time consuming nature of the other options have emerged, but no, this option has never ever appealed.

How we got to where we are now…

So in all honesty, I probably could have started this blog 4 or 5 years ago.  It would have gone quiet for a few years in between – with some sporadic posting – and then would have started again in earnest about a year ago.

L (my partner) and I have been together for 11 years (which makes me feel almost old!).  We were very young when we got together and very quickly moved in together, planned to spend the rest of our lives together and from the off were very clear that life would involve children.  Beyond loved up ‘won’t it be amazing’ conversations it was 3 or 4 years before we got down to talking about the practicalities.  Now we’re at the ‘about to start actually trying’ stage it feels a very long way away from the endless conversations, some lovely, some very stressful, the change of hearts (over the how, never actually wanting children – we’ve always been absolutely positive over this) and the second guessing ourselves.  Now we’ve made some concrete decisions it seems inconceivable that we ever would have picked another route (I’m sure this is how everyone feels) but it feels like I’d be leaving whole chunks of the journey out if I didn’t talk about the paths we decided against, and how we settled on the path we’re about to embark on.

It would also seem on paper (on blog?) that we’d reached an easy decision/conclusion when in fact it’s been anything but.  I always wonder how many children would be born if straight couples had to do as much thinking, planning, self justifying and justifying to the outside world as lesbian couples have to!  I’ve always felt it’s such an immense pressure to make the right/perfect decision when it seems there are endless options to be considered whereas straight couples (with the big proviso of “straight couples with no fertility issues”) wouldn’t need to, or perhaps aren’t expected to, do anything other than the norm.  I guess part of the pressure to make the right choices for your child is just one of those things that come with parenthood, it’s just the pressure starts even earlier for us as we try to decide what’s right for us as a couple, then as a (hopeful) family, then imagine how your child will react to it at ages 0 to 90!

So this doesn’t turn into the longest post ever – and send my (as yet largely fictional!) readers running for the hills – this how-we-got-to-where-we-are now section of the blog will probably run across several posts, I’m not sure how structured it’ll end up being, and forgive me for my rambling in advance.  The options we considered (or decided not to consider) went right from co-parent, to adoption, to known donor to anonymous donor, to a donor through a clinic to an existing friend to someone we’d try to meet for the purpose of either co-parenting or donation.  So I guess I’ll start from somewhere there…right now I’m going to feed our most attention seeking cat before she covers the entire keyboard in dribble (and yes, I am aware of what a lesbian stereotype I am!)